Marriage is tough and comes with challenges. But if you want it to succeed, you have to invest in your spouse.
Our wedding day is one of the best days of our lives, promising each other a thriving marriage and all the beauty of the world. We’re eager to start our new lives together, looking forward to all the bright, happy moments we’ve always dreamed of having with our life partner.
But that lifetime commitment can change your relationship, and not always for the better. It’s easy to get lost in the daily routines of life, ultimately forgetting to make time for each other. And as time goes on, the stresses of family, work, and finances weigh on your relationship. Before long, the vows you made to each other fall to the bottom of your priorities, and you feel yourself drifting away from your spouse. The fire burning between you seems to fade out, and you realize you don’t even miss them anymore when you’re apart. You might start disrespecting or dismissing each other’s feelings, and every promise made seems to break. But as long as you’re willing to put in the work, your marriage can thrive again.
1. Put God first
Every union made with God at the core will have limitless love, forgiveness, and selflessness. Without Him, it’s easy for adultery, jealousy, and other worldly ideals to slip in. My husband, Sam, and I have a daily habit of sending a Bible verse to each other. We explain why that verse speaks to us that day. Sometimes it’s the same verse speaking to us in a different way. And going to church will help give you a better understanding of what the verses mean.
Growing Together Spiritually is a great resource for learning to establish God at the center of your relationship.
2. Change the way you think
Every day, find something about your spouse that you love or something they do that you appreciate. Even if it’s just one thing that day, focus on it. If you’re looking for negatives, you’ll find them, and vice versa. Negative thoughts tend to fester and grow. They can very easily alter your outlook on things. Only thinking about the positive things will have a big impact on the way you see your partner. And positive thoughts will come easier the more you invite them into your heart.
When you find something positive to focus on, tell your spouse. Let them know what you’re thinking. Tell them what you love about them or what you appreciate about them. They need a reminder of why you choose them.
3. Talk to each other
Set aside time every day to have a real conversation with your spouse. Everyone gets busy, but showing your partner that they are a priority by making time for them goes a long way. Texting your spouse randomly throughout the day lets them know you’re thinking about them, but it isn’t as intimate as face-to-face. So sitting down with them, or even lying in bed at bedtime, and looking them in the eye is a great way to connect with them.
4. Put the cell phone down
Such a simple act but one that seems hard to do and has such a huge impact on our relationships.
Technology is beneficial in many ways, but not when your spouse is trying to talk to you. Being distracted on your phone only shows your partner that you have something more interesting to look at. Show them respect by simply putting it down.
5. Talk about issues as they arise, then leave them in the past with forgiveness
Ignoring something that bothers you only causes more problems in the future. It will settle in the back of your mind and slowly begin to control your thoughts and feelings. I know this from experience. It marinates and taints any positive thoughts that enter your mind.
It may not ever seem like the “right time” to talk about something later on, so get it off your chest when it happens, but communicate it respectfully. Don’t raise your voice or direct blame at your partner. This automatically puts your spouse in defense mode.
Once you’ve talked about it, leave it in the past. As easy as it is to hold on to any feelings of betrayal or hurt, you need to forgive and let it go after you’ve talked about it if you want your marriage to thrive. Holding onto those feelings or randomly bringing them up later on are pathways for more negative thoughts and only puts distance between you two.
6. Be open
Sometimes it feels like you’re fighting a losing battle. Seek guidance and help from someone with an unbiased view like your pastor, therapist, or even a trusted friend or family member. Getting advice from a another perspective can help you understand things better and offer different ways of seeing things so you can resolve the issue. But you need to keep an open mind. Be open to understanding your partner.
7. Take care of yourself physically and mentally
You took time to look good for your partner when you were dating. Don’t get comfortable with the idea that just because you’re married you can ease up on your self-care. Look and smell your best as often as you can, and take time to do things that relax you and help you destress. Not only will those things positively alter how you feel, but they will also resonate with your spouse as well.
Some advice my mom gave me: “Never stop dating.” Once you stop “dating” your spouse, it’s easy to stop caring.
8. Give each other space
Hounding each other about house chores, constantly texting or calling, consistently going through their phone, or clinging to them after a long day apart can discourage your partner from opening up to you. Give each other space and respect personal boundaries. Understand that having someone constantly checking on you (no matter the intentions) can be emotionally taxing. As much as we love our spouses, the last thing we want is to push them away. Don’t be afraid to ask if they need space, and don’t be afraid to tell them when you need it.
9. Trust your spouse
This goes along with giving each other space; if you don’t have trust then you aren’t going to be able to give them space. Sometimes things may happen that make you feel like you can’t trust your partner. Talk about it, and tell them why it made you feel that way. They may not realize that they’ve crossed a line. Although it’s easy to say “That line should be a given,” that’s negative thinking. You need to understand why they did what they did or didn’t do. Trust is salvageable if it’s broken but not if it’s completely destroyed.
10. Respect your spouse
After you’re married, you get “used to” each other, and it’s easy to forget that your partner has feelings, too. Speak to each other as if you’re still newly dating. Be aware of each other’s feelings. If your spouse asks you not to do something, then don’t do it. Talk to them before you make decisions that affect them or your family. Listen to them and actually pay attention to what they’re saying. If you do something for yourself, do it for them, too. If you’re getting up from the couch, ask them if there’s anything you can get them while you’re up so they don’t have to get up. Everything is an opportunity to show respect.
11. Be patient
Understand that things may not get done or happen quickly as different situations and events arise. If you’re both new parents or had another baby, give each other time to learn and grow. Understand that it takes time to adjust to life changes, and not everyone develops at the same rate.
It’s frustrating at times when your spouse seems to be slacking, but it’s difficult for two people to be on the same page at all times. Sometimes, you might not even be in the same chapter, but as long as you’re in the same book, you’re doing great if you just stay patient.
12. Do things together as often as you can
You may have heard of the 2-2-2 rule: every two weeks go out for the evening, every 2 months go out for the weekend, and every 2 years go out for a week. While this is a great concept, it may not always be an option. But you need to spend time together to have a thriving marriage. Try for quality time at least once a week without the children. It could be something as simple as folding laundry together during naptime or showering together. Try to take advantage of any chance you’re able to spend an evening alone together.
It’s so easy to make excuses and let distractions become a barrier, but you have to prioritize your spouse if you want to thrive in marriage.
13. Don't get lazy
A strong marriage takes time and effort from both husband and wife. It needs constant attention to keep it healthy. It has to have 100% effort all the time or it will stumble, and it’s okay to stumble. It almost feels impossible at times to consistently give your all, especially when you’ve had a hard day. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but if you can only put in half the effort that day, put it in. Put in all you have to give. Your spouse can feel the effort you give them.
If you don’t feel like your husband or wife is putting in all their effort, pick up their slack. Be their reminder, be patient, be understanding, be supportive. Talk to them and help them. Life brings us all down at some point, and as a partner, it’s your responsibility to help pick them up and get them going again.
God, communication, trust, time, and respect are the core components of a happy marriage. It can feel like a lot at times, but investing in your marriage is the only thing you can do to help it thrive. Remember, you chose your partner for a reason. Give them your best.